Hibernation

So I find myself sitting yet again on the lounge room floor writing an assignment. Are these making me smarter? Better equipped? More employable? God I hope so. The problem with this is I had a visitor this week and he woke something up inside me. See I’ve been hibernating. Emotionally, physically and mentally, I’m starting to suspect that that is why I went back to university. I had something happen... well I had a lot of things happen two years ago and all at once.

Firstly I woke up and realised I didn’t love my partner and that I hadn’t for some time. Even though I was still in love with the idea of us, I chose to walk away from the relationship after five years. Then it was like my eyes opened and I saw all the wonderful parts of my life that I had let rot while I been in coupledom. My law degree had gone to the wayside, my ambition was spent and I was physically and emotionally exhausted (read fat and pale). I packed up my bag and returned home. This in itself was a big deal, I had never been at war with my parents, but I never felt close to them either. But move home I did. You would think at this point the story got better, I healed, I firmed up and I got work.

 Which I did.

Unfortunately my supposed dream job was soul destroying- not that it took much venom to ruin my self-esteem anymore. We have all come up against cruel bosses but I no longer had the stamina and I walked away from what I once though was my dream job.

I moved back to Adelaide and in to a home with my new boyfriend, I started a new degree and I put my physical myself on the back burner. And so it has been for two years.

This week a darling friend reappeared in my life. How I have missed you. We share a lot of commons. Or we did, he pushed forward when I faltered and now has a career that I would be better qualified for but that he is excelling at. I am so proud of him.

Seeing myself reflected has made me realise, I am many things, I want many things.

 I am starting to feel able to try again.

Firstly I am off to the gym tonight (I have already been to the green grocer) and secondly I am going to apply for that job. You know the one that as a child you just assumed you would have. It is six months til the application is due, that is six months to be reborn, to finish my current studies, to adore my boyfriend and practice my bravery.

Dear loving brave clever friend, please hold a mirror up to me more often.

Your support has awoken me.